“Probably only an MK would know”

This new year has been deemed, “The Year of The Suitcase” by our family, as my parents will be spending a lot of their time traveling to various parts of the world in order to fulfill business needs as well as their own missions related trips. The first of these trips began with my dad leaving to go to Europe on a business trip, the second trip was my mum’s.

She went to Solomon Islands. My homeland.

How do I describe the screaming pain inside me? How do I communicate the way I don’t just long to be where she went, but I would die and in a way, am dying, just to be there. To feel the island sun again embrace me as hers, to know the ocean’s arms around me as he reclaims me as his daughter, to again be one with the islands that raised me, to again be with the family I left behind, to hear their voices calling my name, to have my eyes behold the beauty of seeing old friends, familiar places –my home. How do I describe the way the knife of distance cuts into me as miles upon miles of land and ocean separate me from the land that made me who I am, how do I describe that gut wrenching pain that’s so suppressed within me that at times it’s nothing more than a numb, cold core of hidden, buried hurt? How do I describe the loneliness I feel when this chasm of heartache seeks to, and sometimes does, consume me, when the darkness of sorrow and bitter remorse takes over and the present becomes no more and I find myself reliving memories as if it were the “now” instead of the “then”, the “here” instead of the “there”, how do I describe that? How do I describe the way I’m caged, the way this prison of memories holds me hostage, yet I, as captive, don’t always want to necessarily escape, for once freed, where am I? Probably only an MK would know.

My mum wrote on our family blog,
“Bittersweet emotions punctuate my building anticipation. I can’t forget (my family*). They long to be winging their way to the Pacific, but it’s not yet their time. In the meantime I will be the family ambassador who will enjoy the sweet reunions with friends, smelling the salty Pacific Ocean, tasting tropical fruits while bringing the love and well wishes of the family.
Probably only an MK would know how my girls are feeling at the moment. I know this trip isn’t easy for them. But I salute their selfless release and blessing to make this trip. I love you, (girls*). Since you were little, you understood the sacrifices of this lifestyle and have freely allowed us to go. Thank you for making it easy to make this trip even when it hurt to see me go be where you can only dream of being here at the moment.”

Yes, it’s true –probably only an MK would understand; the sacrifices of our lifestyle, the dreams of going back and of being back, the pain of seeing someone else go where you can only imagine being. How do I describe it, this, everything –me, probably only an MK would know.

*Names have been omitted